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FIRST TEAM 2006/07
Name - Dave Hempsey
Nickname(s) – Dempsey, Hemps
Look-alike - Bryan Ferry
Play a like - a right footed Stewart Downing
Description - A well respected, a consistent first team performer. Comfortable in any midfield role, as well as dating girls he has vomited on. Known for having an unusually close relationship with the manager.
Interesting stat - The only Chris Rea fan still alive |
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Name - Nicky Murray
Nickname(s) - Sliding Bolt, Murraypiece
Look-alike - Paul Scholes, Angry Kid
Play a like - Vinny Samways
Description - Frustrated midfielder with a sweet left peg. Enjoys a lady with a fuller figure.
Interesting stat - Has a 100% record of captaining the 1st team; three games, three defeats. |
Name - Steven Ballinger
Nickname(s) - Ballers, Jigsaw
Look-alike - Guilleme Ballague, Peter Ebdon, David Coulthard
Play a like - Steffan Freund, Jody Morris
Description - Makes the most of his limited talents both on and off the pitch. Enjoys snapping like a rabid dog at the opposition's midfield, and enjoys picking up rabid dogs in the bars of London after a game. Could win more headers.
Interesting stat - Has scored more own goals than goals in the last two seasons. |
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Name - Dan Ashley
Nickname(s) - Dirty Northern B*stard, jolly green giant,
Look-alike - Kevin Pressman, Chris Moyles, Johnny Vegas,
Play a like - Kevin Pressman (not the penalty taking)
Description - Talented goalkeeper of portly gesture. Has great handling skills, and has never been known to drop a pint or a fag.
Interesting stat – Has had more massages than he has attended training sessions
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Name - Joe Morris
Nickname(s) - window licker
Look-alike - see jpeg
Play a like - Ronald Koeman
Description - Vertically, and mentally challenged defender. Manages to overcome these difficulties with a plethora of skills and an excellent ability to read the game.
Interesting stat - Once beat Scott Jenkins in an IQ test. |
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Name - Josh Taylor
Nickname(s) - Joshy
Look-alike - Rod Stewart
Play a like - Lee Trundle, Robbie Blake
Description - Youthful striker, with an abundance of skill and a keen eye for goal. Learning to play off the target man and already showing good promise. In a few years could be a Zola or Sheringham. Hindered by an 80's hair do.
Interesting stat - Only Norsemen in the history of the club to ever play with an alice band.
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Name - Tim Foley
Nickname(s) - Tim Nice But Dim
Look-alike - Lurch
Play a like - Gary Doherty, Marcel Desailly
Description - Combative central midfielder who has found his way to centre half rather earlier in his career than he would have hoped. Strong in the air, decent on the ground and has a penchant for pink t-shirts. Loves a row, and is loved by gentlemen who prefer gentlemen.
Interesting stat - Is responsible for over 90% of all the first team disciplinary points. |
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Name - Gav Reed
Nickname(s) - Reedy
Look-alike – The blonde one from Blue
Play a like – Terry Butcher
Description – Big strong presence in the heart of the defence where he seldom loses headers. A new player who struggled to adapt to Big Al's extensive warm up and pulled a hammy which has kept him out for most of the season.
Interesting stat – Supports Norwich despite having ten fingers and toes; none of which are webbed together.
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Name - Reggie Ayers
Nickname(s) - 6 figure Norsemen, Richard
Look-alike - Peter Crouch, Jan Koller
Play a like - Jason Lee
Description - Absurdly wealthy striker, known for appalling taste in underpants, driving a hairdresser's car and being ridiculously bad at popular drinking game spoof. It is widely rumoured that Ayers single-handedly paid for the new Norsemen changing rooms and it is thought a girl's toilet will be named in his honour.
Interesting stat - Brings his wife out to increase his chances of not losing at spoof. |
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Name - Tom Pearson
Nickname(s) - Gizmo/Furbee
Look-alike - Gizmo / Furbee
Play a like - Darren Anderton
Description - Hard working midfielder, competent on the right or in the centre. Has struggled with injuries and is no doubt keen to avoid the sicknote tag, but has a superb attitude and dedication to the game. Known for strong dislike of working class females.
Interesting stat - Is the son of a pear.
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Name - Pat Morgan
Nickname(s) - Patrick
Look-alike - Ewok
Play a like - Jan Molby
Description - Stocky player who can play anywhere across the midfield. Excellent range of passing and can deliver a mean cross.
Interesting stat - Enjoys throwing opponents into bushes. |
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Name - John Bayer
Nickname(s) - The Boss, Gaffer
Look-alike - Neil Warnock
Play a like - It is rumoured that football was not around at the time of John's youth.
Description - Wiley tactician with an abundance of coaching qualifications, formations and man management skills. More commonly known to adopt a relaxed, tactical style of coaching, but the hairdryer treatment is to be feared.
Interesting stat - Has an unusually close relationship with one first team regular.
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Name - Alan Taylor
Nickname(s) – Big Norm
Look-alike - Bill Oddie
Play a like - The extent of Alan's footballing ability is unknown.
Description - Dedicated coach and father of Pop legend. Alan is the sole creator of the now patented 45 minute warm up.
Interesting stat - Along with Ballers, Al is the only known Norsemen to have a post game shower without actually taking any part in the game. |
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Name - Tom Collier
Nickname(s) - Tommy
Look-alike - Cabbage Patch Doll
Play a like - A left footed Ruel Fox
Description - Tricky left winger, with a low centre of gravity. Plenty of tricks, flicks and good end product to boot.
Interesting stat - Far too young to run one of Enfield 's pikeeist boozers. .
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Name - Richard Rowe
Nickname(s) - Rowesie, Rowe Z
Look-alike – Malcolm Allen, John O'Shea
Play a like – Stephen Carr
Description – A former intergalactic tennis champion, Rowe Z is now the voice of a cartoon baddy in some obscure Scandinavian cartoon. No one has ever actually seen it so we cannot confirm if it is porn.
Interesting stat – Charges the cheapest rent in Southgate – as long as the tenant fits the bill. |
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